I'm not ready for the Pike bikes to move back in to town it was wonderful seeing that sorority house empty all summer
... I'm KD
My pussy is not your playground.
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
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