You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
People will call it the Wrath of the Froyo. We'll be immortalized.
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
Randomize
