Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
Dude, we took our shirts off and set our chest hair on fire. That's a low point.
You raise a valid concern
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
Randomize
