rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
I can do it, this is my punishment and I will accept it, plus id like to see the look on peoples faces when I throw up on them
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
Haha holy fuck. i dont remember much after pissing on your ex's flaming nude pics.
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
Randomize
