Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
i crashed through a building. if that counts then yes, i went out with a bang.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
Randomize
