you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Randomize
