good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
Do you think the party boat will still go out if there is a hurricane?
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
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