i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
Randomize
