Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
Ross. Joey. Chandler. Who would you do?
Wasted at the beach. Toasting underage, overdeveloped girls. God bless 'em.
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
why does every cop we meet know your name?
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