Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
Thong +tight pants =hungry butt. Not a good look on big women! Walmart sucks.
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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