I hope my margaritas pass through security.
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
smoking a bowl while I'm peeing. i love having a big dick.
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
Randomize
