If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
I dont think that drinking by ourselves on a saturday night counts as being "fun alcoholics"
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
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A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
yes i am an adult who snuck out of my parents house to cuddle with a guy and then came home and listened to taylor swift. judge me all you want.
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i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
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