My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
I just took a plan B pill with my preworkout. That's the level I'm on today.
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
Randomize
