i just dont know how to see an unattractive person as more than a friend
you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
did i walk over a car last night?
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
I've never heard of anyone celebrating the holidays with a fuck buddies family before.
....I'll be expecting my trophy when I return.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
