i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
He's getting better. i'm using GuitarHero to teach him how to finger me. My clit = the red tab.
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
I'm making you a bingo card for hookups of the school year 2011-12 so you can make even worse life decisions next year
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
Randomize
