I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
Randomize
