I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
There was an awkward moment where I was going for his cock and he reach out and held my hand, thinking that what I was doing
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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