I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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