You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Randomize
