dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
i have now learned nap means the same thing as sex in college
just saw someone puke all over a michigan fan. he didn't even flinch.
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
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