I would say the hottest chick there looked like Susan Boyle and the ugliest like Bea Arthur
Nice use of current day folklore
I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
Randomize
