We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
God gave him joint rollers for hands
get over here now. the boys are doing shots of everclear, chasing with monster, and some dude jsut walked in with a backpack full of tattoo gear.
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
Okay so.. What's with me and guys who have more than 2 nipples
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash