im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation