Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
we were playing true or dare on a webcam chat and i was way to drunk ...i ended up having to drink my own piss outta a beer bottle, life couldnt get any worse right now
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
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mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
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The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...