Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
Just found a picture of a hobo making out with her tits...a HOBO
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
Once I hang curtains in my truck bed that'll be feasible
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
Why can't burritos get me drunk
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT