I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
I just noticed my teeth are no longer straight. Wondering if anyone had an explanation.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
She was to tired for head so she opted for a footjob with poor results. I dont want to talk about it
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
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