Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
You know that bakery that Sandra Bullock's sister owns?
The one in Montpelier?
yeah, well it doesn't exist anymore. VT's one fucking claim to fame closed.
she has double-d's AND she knows what level Pidgeot evolves. don't tell me she's not a keeper
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
