my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
Is "blowjob enthusiast" a bad costume?
I am watching the CFL at a Hooters in Texarakana. I made a poor life choice at some point that led me here.
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
threw up outside of the dorms in the parking lot in the pouring rain on the first day of class, i'd say summer is off to a good start.
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
Randomize
