Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
the gays at disneyland are vicious
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
Randomize
