Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
I cant believe they held hands while getting simultaneous bjs
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
Randomize
