I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
Nah I think he's a bit weirded out I worked out where he lives from a Facebook photo
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
Soooo, hypothetically, how long would roommates have to sleep together before its considered dating...
Randomize
