woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize