Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
so do the steelers give the refs blowjobs at halftime or after the game?
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
Would it be inappropriate to rub one out in the gym shower? I mean, technically, I pay $80 a month to do what I want so could they really say anything?
Shower is fine. Steam room is shady. I've probably done both at one point in my life so I can't be used as a good reference.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
