Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
He just "revenge puked" on her kid. I think we'll be leaving soon.
I want her autograph on my taint
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
Randomize
