so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
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Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
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Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
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