i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
im using the astroglide sample u sent me as a bookmark for the book im using to write my midterm paper. i need to get laid. bad.
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
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