Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
Can you get an STD by sharing underwear? Walk of shamed home and realized I was wearing someone else’s panties
No one knows. This doesn’t happen to normal people.
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
Randomize
