I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
States back in the final four. Now our sunday night drinking has purpose. Sparty on baby.
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
Randomize
