A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
yea and when she crawled to her room she yelled at a bookbag to "get the fuck out my way"
took acid and went on safebus. all the lights were off except the adds. swear to god it was a submarine
That would explain his violent outburst while watching barefoot contessa...
Take advantage man but know that every anal bead u drop inside her will make her love u 2% more. It's science
The last thing I remember is sitting in a chair and him hand feeding me bell peppers
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
i have my bailey's and coffee which lasts me until lunch, at which time its appropriate for me to bring a vodka and OJ mix for the afternoon. This university thing is grrreat
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize
