I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
My hope for you over spring break is that you can be some disease free girl's random spring break mistake.
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
Randomize
