6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
If life deals in absolutes, the in betweens are the most hairy.... Fortune cookie wisdom from a stoned Megan.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
Upstairs definitely just had sex while I wrote you love poetry. That was a fun experience 🤷🏻♀️
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