i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
i convinced her that her period would come back if we did it doggy style
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
Randomize
