if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
I wanna fuck padma even more now that she's preggers. Is that sick?
Yes but- 100% agreed
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
I'm really proud of her, she waited until she was on tiled floor to start puking on the ground
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
I love everything about him! His penis, his hair, his tattoos, his penis, his cat, his penis.
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
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