she said she missed her period, but is going to six flags... think im safe?
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
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