I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
College students should never be allowed to have snow days. Never.
can you go into shock from having too many orgasms? i think i went into shock.
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
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