I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
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