there is no way he can be that small
look on the bright side he'll over comepensate
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
Do dollar stores sell vibrators?
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