I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
dude my 8 year old cousin is allowed to drink wine coolers. as long as its infront of my aunt. wtf
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
I like to play this game where I try to reach orgasm before my bathtub overflows....lost tonight.
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
the day i stop sending you hentai screenshots is the day i actually act like an adult, and TRUST ME. THAT AINT HAPPENING ANYTIME SOON.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
Randomize
