Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
Randomize