Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
it's to the point where working 2 jobs this summer will absolutely not cover how much i will spend on alcohol next semester.
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How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
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