My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
i dont know everytime i see her teeth i get erectile disfunction
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
Randomize
