My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
Randomize
