I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
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