i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
drunk. just smoked a spliff with a 19yr old hungarian bike taxi driver and bonded over the difficulties of getting weed in a different country. idk y shit like this isnt in the study abroad info packets
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
i was in class looking for a pencil and found a chicken strip in my back pack. i think i might have a problem.. sad thing is i ate it
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
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