I think I won the penis lottery.
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
