i wish there were pregnant emoticons
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
Its was awkward last year cuz in the middle of it her mom bust In the room with noise makers and champagne
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
if they didn't want us to do blow at uni, why would they make textbooks so smooth?
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
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