and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
how does that bad decision feel?
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
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