So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
I love wearing low cut shirts cuz then when class gets boring, I can look down and admire my breasts.
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
