i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
Yeah he kicked my ass... He probably wouldnt have hit me as hard though if I wasnt lauging and yelling " I fucked your sister I fucked your sister" over and over again.
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
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