"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
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