got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
Her cum face looks like the large marge scene in pee-wees big adventure
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
My boyfriend cheated on me...what do I do?! :( JK IM BREAKIN UP WIT DAT
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
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